“it’s been 2 years since the last post was published” – wordpress reminder

long time no see y’all, it’s been a LONG LONG time since last time i posted a rant. i’ve been writing a lot tho, just not here cuz i kinda just forgot this place oops. yeah, i def should be more organized instead of using ten notebooks plus five different apps grab a drink (alcoholic or not), have fun reading my bs after two years :> it takes 3-4 min btw according to the average reading speed.

TLDR: second guessing, dropped out, going back

Running a blog that was supposed to last a whole decade had become a real headache. It felt like a constant reminder of the promises I’d made when I was a 19-year-old. I often felt guilty for not wanting to carry the load that my younger self had eagerly taken on. Whenever the reminder popped up, I patted it off like some dust on my sleeves, “Nope, I’m not going back go to that thing.”

It was super weird to find myself back in this wasteland. I mean, I’ve lost that cheeky confidence I had in the past two years. It’s like my MBTI personality did a flip and turned me from an extrovert into an introvert. My heart was racing so fast it made me feel sick. I took a deep breath, kept typing, and told myself, “Hey, chill out, dude. You gotta fulfill that silly promise you made, so the 19-year-old you won’t throw a fit. Who knows, it could be a wild disaster or a crazy good time, and the 29-year-old you might either thank you or give you a good roasting.”

19 til 29, six and half years to go…

You might be wondering why I ever got into this long-term commitment. I might have used to be an attention wh*re. Well, besides that, the truth was, it was and still is my version of a quarter-life crisis, even if I tried to make it sound like a joke. On top of that, COVID boredom? I only found myself writing posts either when I was procrastinating, aka running away from my problems, or when I was having a crisis. Deep down, I wasn’t sure if I could really stick with it, but time would tell (probably not tbh, but hey, I came back after sooo long, I have to try, at least). Maybe it was just a side hobby to keep my days less boring or an excuse to run away from my problems (all my hobbies are tbh).

I’ve always loved writing, but looking back at my old writings and, honestly, cringe-worthy blog posts was something I avoided like the plague. It was just too embarrassing. Sometimes, I wished I could hit the delete button and make it all disappear. This time around, the desire to start fresh and wipe the slate clean was strong. But I had to remind myself, “It is what it is – welcome to the generation that’s stuck dealing with the mess our younger selves made, online and offline. And, cringe I know, learn to love yourself, every version of yourself.” That being said, I’ve been working on several drafts for some time now, but still haven’t looked at a single old post lol, irony is flowing through my life, every-fucking-where.

Two years seemed to fly by while I struggled through each day, feeling like I was stuck in a never-ending loop. I’d lie in bed, sigh deeply, and mutter, “Man, I’ve lost myself again.” I’d stare into the darkness around me, but I didn’t dare look for too long, scared that something might jump out at me. Seven years had passed, and it felt like I’d taken a long detour only to end up right back where I started.

As for my pursuit of medical school, it’s been a winding road. I couldn’t even remember when it all began. An old friend’s comment about my earlier plans to go to the States for neuroscience research shook me up. My academic journey has been all over the place – from computer science to psychology, neuroscience to physiology, and even a stint in cancer research and clinical medicine. I’ve lost sight of what I really want.

Getting into medical school was a big deal for both me and my family. But when I held that acceptance letter, a wave of fear washed over me: “Okay, here’s the entrance ticket. Now what? What does it mean? Do I really want this?” All the questions and uncertainties overwhelmed the 22 year-old mind. Just two weeks into school, I decided to take a leave of absence.

I’ve never been a good student, as in I never had the spark for anything I was learning. Except when it came to medical school-related subjects, I had to pass and stay above average. Now, I’m questioning my true interests and motivations. It’s like I’ve lost myself along the way. Did I choose medicine because it was a safe option when I was 18? My grades in biomedical courses were far from stellar, and I struggled to keep up. I wasn’t very bright, but I was bright enough – and just bright enough – to finish the degree decently. Did I even have what it takes for medicine, or for anything else?

When a friend confided in me about her crisis, I wholeheartedly offered my support, sharing my own life experiences and reassuring her that clarity would soon grace her path. Little did I foresee that I would plunge headlong into my very own labyrinth of introspection, despite being lauded as a “clear-minded and goal-oriented young individual.” Life’s irony, it seemed, never ceased to amuse me as I repeatedly circled back to familiar quandaries, as if I had never ventured away from my original starting point.

These doubts have led me to question so much, so much that I went to my mom, telling her with full confidence: “I think I want to be a writer.” The idea sounded as wild as my childhood bold statements – at 8, I told my dad that no more school for me, I had learned enough and I wanted to explore the world for the rest of my life; and then, at 14, I was convinced I’d be a famous singer. Maybe I went through these crazy phases every 7 to 8 years. Who knew for sure? Rest assured though, 95% of chance that I wouldn’t be taking the path of becoming a writer. Instead, I could become a professional crisis dumper over my decade-lasting project *frowned hard*.

After mulling over countless scenarios for a relatively “perfect” life after the decision of not attending the medical school (for idk how long), I just sort of shrugged and said to myself, “You know what, whoever’s mapping out my journey, thank you for the rough experiences *laughed ironically*. I’m heading back to that winter wonderland and finishing what I started. No more rushing things for this laid-back soul, I swear to god.”

As for this post, I feel like I’m chasing my own tail, trying to capture the thoughts I want to share. It’s like running in endless circles, both physically and in my mind. Is this post turning into a rant? A little bit, I guess. Am I scared of how other people perceive me? A little bit. But the problems I laid out here isn’t just personal but quite universal. It’s more about how I’ll see myself through their eyes. I’m scared of my own mind interpretations of their perceptions. At times, it kinda felt like I was baring my soul when I put my thoughts out there for the world to see. But then I told myself, even if it’s like getting naked in front of everyone, people’s memories are like a sieve, right? They won’t remember as they scroll through a million other things, except for a few who might actually dig the raw honesty, and well, that’s a win for writing, I guess. If I had the courage to dive into this at 19, I should be brave enough to resurface. If regrets (both this and everything else) are waiting for me down the road, then so be it.

Thank you for your time and patience if you have made it this far. The 20s really is something, eh? Stay warm and enjoy the color changing and sweetness of the autumn (if you are located in the Southern hemisphere, enjoy the upcoming summer), till the next time.

love,

lin ❤

p.s. i honestly NEED to go over my old posts to make sure that i’m not repeating the same things over and over. but whatever lol, if i really were repeating, i wouldn’t know. just casually deceiving myself, like how i always do. well done! new me, new circle lol. yes, i need to work on the site, i’ll get there, hopefully, one day. yes, i need to change the layout, i forgot pretty much all the features already. and yes yes, i think, i’ve promised it once, oops, life took a toll on me, and umm… two years just flew by hehe