A teacher of mine from my middle school commented my recent post: kiddo you should pay more attention to your dating life, only the people who entered the market in the morning get to choose.

Ok, time for another introspection post. As a 20 year old college student, do I want to date? Yes. But do I REALLY want to date? Probably not. I feel like there’s something wrong with me that whenever I encounter this type of questions, I’d answer yes but after taking a deeper thought about it, I’d become indecisive about my answer. For example, “do you like your major?” YES. Wait, actually I’m not sure.

Another example, I was thinking about writing this post in Chinese but then changed to English halfway. I’ll leave the Chinese part here anyway, the thought flow, very fun to look at. I tried to explain this mental state, but I’ll just end here since I want to keep this post relatively shorter (or I’m just being lazy).

(I’m starting on a new project to improve my English. I’m aware that it is almost impossible for me to reach the native speaker level, but I mean, half English native plus half Chinese native would just make me a hybridized native right? Sorry this is too random just a little thought popped up when I’m writing this. )

What do I want? Who do I want to become? What are the priorities? (also a reply to my teacher’s comment)

• At the moment, I need a low neuroticism, or fewer mood swings. It might be hard, but after some deep analysis on myself, I have to admit that I’m not mentally or emotionally mature enough for things that are beyond my capabilities.
• I’m still trying to figure out who I want to be. So, it seems that it’s more important to know myself first before getting to know other people. I need to be a person who’s not easily attached to anything that might potentially affect my own goals.
• Priorities don’t allow me to even consider the possibility of it. I move around a lot and it’s just like the senior year of high school, it’s not smart to start anything new.
• I’m 20, technically I’m still in this identity & role confusion stage based on Erikson’s developmental theory. (lol jk it’s just an excuse)

It’s summer everyone, go out more, run, do sports, get tan, do whatever that can make you happy. Have a nice summer and I’ll see you in the next post ❤

time is moving fast, i’m stepping into my 20s, for real this time.

the number is relative, the growth is continuous

am i turning into a whole new person at midnight today? probably not, but i still want to make it somewhat special to myself. i tend to question myself a lot: who am i? what do i want? am i living with satisfaction? what should i do next? do i need to change? the deeper i go, the more lost i get. 20 is a big number to my little mind. it’s my first time being a 20 year old, it’s the first to all of us. i’m looking forward to it and at the same time, kinda scared. i don’t know what the future holds, i don’t know what the next problem is, i don’t know when another mental breakdown will strike.

there’re too many things i’m uncertain about, but one thing i’m pretty sure is that i’ve grown up. it might not seem like a big change on an everyday scale, but throwing back, looking at me at 19, or 18, or even 17, i am indeed different. though, i still care too much, i still overshare, i still am the person with a consistent personality. i might have had this same, or similar mindset a couple days ago, while i wasn’t 20 yet. so this number didn’t really matter too much. what matters is to improve a little bit every day. yeah, i procrastinate. yeah, i’m off the track here and there. yeah, i’m disappointed in myself sometimes. they are all normal. there are turbulences when you fly too high.

it’s about you, you only, but not only you

only i know myself deep down there but i’m the one who makes myself confused, all the time. i asked my mom if she knows me well enough, she said yes, “but even myself don’t really know about myself lol.” i want to have april 12th to myself, but it’s not a day only about me, neither any other day in a year is. it was a big day for my mom, for my dad, maybe for the people who love me, for the people who remember this day. i, when i was younger (or less mature), would get somewhat frustrated if people forgot the date, especially the ones i expected them to remember. some people started to wish me birthday wishes since march, i asked them why, is it because they didn’t actually know my birthday. they really did don’t remember, but they knew it’s somewhere around march and april, they really cared. does the date really matter? no, what matters is that they remember me, they remember i’m growing up, every year, not just on the 12th. when the first signs of spring started to bloom, “it’s march, spring is here, oh wait, her bday is coming up.” with these people around me, i’m beyond grateful.

happy bday and have a good one!

i still want to make the day a ritual, even though i’m having too many dues for school on 12th *checking my schedule while shaking my head.* but hey! it’s pretty cool to write down my birthday on the cover page for the endocrinology paper!

no matter how tough life is, there’s always a positive aspect to look at. hi, my third* decade, we’ll definitely get along. happy birthday, i love you.

It’s that time of the year again! Spring? Not quite yet. Yes, it’s the Valentine’s day! Sorry for being late to just post this out, but, the dating game is not just for Feb. 14th! After reading this, even though I can’t guarantee you a valentine for 2022, I’m sure you’ll have an idea of the mainstream dating apps on the market and get yourself prepared for the Valentine’s day in 2031!

*Disclaimer: these were my personal experiences and opinions, wasn’t trying to target any apps. If you work for one of them, that’s great, they are good apps in terms of popularity. And no, they did not sponsor me. I wish they did though.

*Disclaimer 2.0: people have different intentions on dating apps, mine might not be the same as yours, so this is a judgemental free zone. (Reviewing apps doesn’t equal to judging them though or does it?)

Quick overview:

“I don’t recommend” section:

• Into the trash

Tinder: Its algorithm was pretty bad; “purchase this and that” everywhere; swiping for ages and couldn’t find a person to match with. Might be fun to have tinder passports and flying around the world during this COVID time though (if you have da money, I’d recommend you to extend your Netflix subscription lol)

*Momo: Opened, didn’t know how to register, closed, deleted.

• Would literally forget (about their existence)

Coffee meets bagel: Still don’t know what it’s about, lots of questionable features when I was using it but I LOVE COFFEE AND BAGELS 😍

*Soul: (did not seem like an actual dating app) People there don’t generally post profile pictures since it’s all about that ~anonymity~. You can talk to people without revealing your identity which means it’s all random. So, you might run into a 13 yo kid or a 50 yo millionaire who knows. No profile pic means no security, so no thanks. Generally, a very boring place if you get bored easily.

*Jimu: Another Chinese dating app. I don’t quite remember about this one. The layouts were kind of confusing and people there were basically all on Tantan as well.

• NO

*Tantan: got banned there, no comments (It’s actually alright, the community was very small, pretty much all Chinese there which means 80% cat fishing and 20% people that I already know irl)

Facebook: 1) Facebook dating: scrolled for a bit and had no interest. The constant notifications are annoying as hell and I don’t know and don’t care how to turn that off. 2) Subtle Asian Dating: I was too weak to compete there but got to know some people on the other end of the world which was nice.

“Can take a look” section:

• It’s ight

Hinge: (the latest version is an Average or a NO) The quality of matches there was higher on average and they would actually respond if they matched you back. It didn’t have the bio section, which I disliked because that’s the place I like the most (does this even make sense lmao). The version long time ago was much better and the recent version has a new feature added where they had this section for “outstanding prompts from the people most my type” that “you won’t see elsewhere,” and you would need roses to like them. Very nice algorithm because mostly were indeed my type, but $5.49 per rose was too much to ask. I mean I get it that apps need this kind of things for business but is it really necessary to pull people that are “most my type” out of the general pool? No, Hinge, you’ve failed me.

*WeChat: The “people around me” feature was ahahah I don’t know how to put it but it was definitely something, especially if you saw your friends on there. You can find some 阿姨 or 叔叔 if you don’t want to 努力 anymore. How WeChat acts as a dating app: 1) you see someone in your friends’ posts like a group photo or some kind, you ask your friends to introduce you and hit them up afterwards. 2) Directly hit up on the person if they’re already your friend. It’s basically like Instagram which I’ll be mentioning below but less stalking and less interactive.

• Average

Bumble: The matching quality was about 200% higher than Tinder’s and 34% lower than Hinge’s. The app icon is a little yellow honeycomb, which is the cutest among the all. Through Bumble, I’ve practiced my pickup line skills to its maximum since it’s a “girls talk first” type of app which weirdly was the only thing I liked about it (besides the icon). It had 24-hr time limits for you to initiate the conversation which I absolutely hated. When I hopped on there after 24 days, everything had gone expired. What are you? Milk? In general, it’s pretty average, doesn’t have any mind-blowing highlight features.

“Shoot your shot, go get em” section:

• Actually helpful

Instagram: Pros: 1) mostly are the people you know I believe? 2) You get to stalk their life. 3) Seems not so dating app, but can still act as one. Cons: 1) if you don’t take the first move, your DM is going to be as dry as your throat just woke up on a winter morning. 2) They are the people you know, so you have to have manners and you can’t just walk away. 3) The “seen” feature, like what if I want to remove that red notification dot but don’t want to respond to the message?

LinkedIn: Very high quality and some people even have a detailed CV attached. Many volunteering experiences? -> must be a kind person; many work experiences? -> must have da money; etc… you get what I mean. (“If you don’t have an over-a-year lab experience, I don’t want it” jkjk)

• THE CHOSEN ONE ヾ(･ε･｀*)

McGill MyCourses: If you know you know QwQ

Dating apps can be fun, can be boring, can be useful, and can be impractical. Different people have different views. It’s almost reading break which is a perfect time to put my suggestions above in use 😉 The thing I want to emphasize is that during this hard time, have fun, stay safe, and act smart.

In the end, I hope y’all can find your right one (or left one) if you haven’t yet and have a long lasting love and happiness if you already have one (or multiple) ❤

One last thing, I wish y’all the best for the rest of your midterms and have a wonderful break with the lecture recordings and assignments that you’ve left behind!

What the hell is this? I don’t know, either.

I’m going to answer one of the most popular questions:

• Tell me about yourself.

Interview questions always get me, very deep into my soul, as if they are questioning my existence. “I don’t know” would be the best answer, and the second worst answer after staying completely silent. The best solution out of hesitation for this is to present myself as someone who they want me to be.

More questions come after:

• Are interview questions more of a guessing game?
• Am I myself or their want-to-be?
• Is it just a coincidence when I’m being myself fits/overlaps with their expectations?

Tell me about yourself.

One problem that I’ve always been trying to figure out is who I really am, not the unsolved philosophical type of question, nor the everyday existential problem, but how I, myself, views myself as a person. I believe that I exist even though I can’t prove it and I don’t want to go too deep into this topic either because my logical arguments are not strong or evidenced. I still remember I wrote something about “every human is born with a dictionary that has everything written and growing up is just a process of unlocking things that are already known” when I was 15. Does that mean eventually everyone is the same? Enough being said, I don’t know why I had that thought nor little did I know anything about philosophy, but there are still many questions that I can’t answer that, in the end, are somehow connected.

Myself, my whole world, seems always “not right” to me. I don’t mean doubting the realness of the world, but rather, my individuality. It has been bothering me for a long time when people ask me to “tell me about yourself.” I just don’t know how to answer it while it’s one of the major questions for any interviews. Should I describe my external traits or internal perspectives of myself? Whenever it comes to describing my external traits, objective truths, or uncontroversial facts, I have no problem. I can tell them the researches I’ve done, I can tell them everything that happened to me throughout 19 years, but I want to tell them more, more about myself, as a person who’s distinctive from the rest of population.

For example, I say that “I have a good personality: approachable, outgoing, and always helpful,” but those characteristics don’t define Me, Myself. Everyone could have that, or even this exact same combination. I still somehow assume that I’m different, not in the sense that I can make a remarkable contribution to the world and get remembered for centuries even though that might be the best result to live, but in the sense as an individual with my own thoughts. However, whenever I think I’m different because I have this particular thought of mine, I start questioning if there is any other human being who has similar or even the same thought as I am having this right now. The answer to that is probably yes. I am almost certain that there is at least one person who must have, or have had this same thought. So, should I say that I have a good personality and categorize myself along with other people who claim to be having the traits I mentioned above?

For interviews, I prepared to describe myself in advance, polishing my words to the best as I could; while inside, I felt quite conflictive, for being someone who I think I am but might not be, for not giving a completed answer, for an absolute answer that even I, myself suspect.

Are interview questions more of a guessing game?

Yes, in order to get a particular position, I’m constantly guessing what They want the answers to be.

Am I myself or their want-to-be?

I am still myself (hopefully) by switching, adapting, changing under different circumstances. Their want-to-be’s are just the products of my guesses in the beginning.

Is it just a coincidence when I’m being myself fits/overlaps with their expectations?

I would call it luck. I have made a good guess and then provide a good answer.

There are many questions out there with no answer. Even though I try to be myself and present myself in some ways, being myself and to prove myself having individuality is another problem. One of the choices I made for my finite lifespan is to study sciences and focus on what the world is presenting to us, instead of us to the world. I’m sure there will be more entanglements like this in my life, questioning everything and doubting the simplest but at the same time, the hardest truth of myself, but right at the moment, my priority is to watch lecture recordings and obtain my degree so I won’t get starved when I’m older 😷

In the end, wish everyone who’s reading this can ace their interviews in the future ❤

well… i’ve already been exercising regularly for months, so i’ll make it harder by adding a HIIT session (which i absolutely hate) into my daily workout routine. idek if i can stick to it lol cuz the last time i tried to do HIIT, i gave up after two burpees. BUT we love challenges, so i’ll try my best 👊 – Nov. 30

Yes, the reason why I did this was that I gained weight throughout the whole quarantine (nothing crazy though, just around 4 pounds). How do I feel about this? To be honest, I’m very chill with the number showing on the scale. I still weigh myself (and my food sometimes lol) everyday, but it’s different from the time where all I cared about was that number. The number helps me to understand how my body is responding to the new food combination, new workout routine, etc. Do 122 and 118 lbs really differ that much? I felt pretty the same standing on that scale, but my skin, digestion and body composition are different. Since a healthy lifestyle is a long term thing, focusing on one number is not ideal. I did what I could and if I felt right, I did it right.

Dec. 1

Dec. 2

Dec. 3

didn’t do anything cuz i’m on my second day of menstrual cycle (the actual reason is i was debugging and two quizzes are due tmr morning hehe)

and thanks to december for having 31 days so i can skip one with a legitimate reason

Dec. 4

Dec. 5

Dec. 6

Dec. 7

Dec. 8

Dec. 9

Dec. 10

Dec. 11 (i feel nothing on my butt so i did it again lol)

Dec. 12

Dec. 13

Dec. 14 (i really really don’t wanna do HIIT today)

Dec. 15 (i need a break from jumping my knees can’t take it anymore)

Dec. 16

Dec. 17

Dec. 18

Dec. 19

i stepped into the gym for the first time in 9 months bruh my hands, my arms, my whole body is aching and i couldn’t even lift 70 lbs. let’s just wait for those new calluses to form and we shall be good. alright my updated resolution for 2021: get back to my personal bests in one month (or two).

Dec. 20

i did shoulders and back today (like wtf would even do HIIT when they got a gym). i’ve never trained this early like 7am my body is not fully functioning yet but it was fun trying it out. i moved my breakfast 2 hrs late to 9am which feels like a lunch and the 3pm lunch feels like a umm afternoon tea? anyway, 2020 is weird so just let my schedule be weirder.

Dec. 21

Dec. 22

did legs, was fun

Dec. 23

went uphill with my boots for the first time in the year (a quality cardio session) + biceps and chest (haven’t been lifting for a while and it hurts wherever i work on lol)

Dec. 24

what’s the day before christmas called again? christmas eve??? did booty cuz upper body is very sore

Dec. 25

christmas yay did legs cuz upper body wasn’t ready

Dec. 26

Dec. 27

upper body day my hands are shaky rn

Dec. 28

did the whole body which felt like i did nothing 😬

Dec. 29

chest + back (not the best combination but it made the upper body session seem shorter if u know what i mean)

Dec. 30

leg day fun day 🦵it’s interesting how it’s a lower and upper never ending cycle, when the upper body is sore, it’s time for the lower body and vice versa and when both need recovery, i’ll only be left with cardio

Dec. 31

did a 1hr stationary bicycling and i’ll take a break tomorrow (we be starting off 2021 strong 💪). the nonstop gym is VERY exhausting especially when it’s so early in the morning. new year, old me, so ready for some new changes.

summary:

i could’ve done the challenge but the gym showed up halfway and i couldn’t ignore it. we need to rearrange our priorities when changes happen, don’t we? [all excuses i just don’t want to do HIIT or cardio or probably i don’t even want to move at all lol]

i’ve tried many fitness youtubers’ workouts but caroline girvan and lilly sabri are my top two favorites. caroline’s aren’t easy nor too difficult and most importantly, SHE WON’T YELL AT YOU. lilly’s don’t have previews so it took me quite a while to remember what’s coming next and she kinda yells too much u know…

and the gym omg this little 20 square meter room makes me so happy. that’s like the fifth thing that i love the most in the world ranking after my mom and dad, sleep, carrot cake and bullshitting (should be mentioning studying but let’s just be honest for one more time). 2020 is tough, im constantly in this gaining-and-losing weight cycle without doing the “normal” amount of physical activities i used to do pre-covid. i still remember i told myself to not to worry too much in the beginning of the quarantine: “just think it as a 3-month cutting season.” Then, 9 months passed lol. but im still happy (depressed only when the dues are in front of my eyes) that i’ve got motivation to stay active and creative. im no longer concerned of losing my progress or dropping weights whatsoever. it was fun pushing myself to add one more 2.5 lbs plate pre-covid but it was also nice to take a super super long 9-month break and follow that enormous youtube fitness trend (chloe ting etc).

i forgot to mention that since the covid started which was around mid march, i had switched to intermittent fasting because i realized that my regular 4-5 meals per day was too much when all i do is staying at home and facing the screens. one more thing i learned from this 9-month quarantine is that constant snacking is a big pitfall, it took me two months for my digestion and skin to recover, not to mention my weight lol. so, after 9 months experimenting with all sorts of combinations, i found my mind and body responded to a clean diet with moderate exercises the best (they prefer health after all smh). i like unhealthy things like staying up late till 3 am, eating a whole bag of chips without looking at the nutrition label, but my body doesn’t like the ideas so we kinda compromised.

2021, im not sure where it’s going but i know that i have the capability to cope with any situations. fingers crossed wishing we all can go back to a slightly “normal” life. cheers to my very random, everything-mixed-together workout routines, it was a fun 9 months. and cheers to the somewhat consistent 20 (ish) day HIIT challenge, i for sure, will not do it again.

for 2021:

• drink more water
• eat more veggies
• consume only adequate amount of processed food
• do the exercises you love (and the ones you don’t love but necessary i.e. burpees lol)

some fitness goals to “look cool”:

• be able to do pull-ups
• be able to do pistol squats
• be able to do proper pushups
• and be able to bench press your squat weight lol

Lastly, enjoy the last bit of your winter break and happy new year ❤

Nov. 1

was planning to do a 30 day diet streak but failed on the first day lol

Nov. 2

ok i remembered to take pics for my meals but forgot the comp sci assignment due is today. (thank god i only added two more if statements in my last version) plz i beg u lin, DO NOT LET THIS KIND OF THINGS HAPPEN AGAIN 😀

Nov. 3

snow is visible today, winter is really here

Nov. 4

too busy i can’t remember what i did

Nov. 5

studied for the two tests that i’m totally unprepared for

Nov. 6

hey i survived

Nov. 7

add some sugar when life’s bitter

Nov. 8

repetition is bootyful

Nov. 9

new week so let’s start over the streak 🤡

Nov. 10

i forgot again… but i can still use my classic sky pic

amazement of the day: temperature is 23 degrees blessed 🌹

Nov. 11

hmm didn’t do much and forgot everything hehe (the only pic i had for today :))

Nov. 12

probably the last time i ran for this year, can’t do it when the temperature gets too low (i felt slow like a cow when i was running but it turned out it wasn’t too bad lol)

oh and got a 100 on the last cs assignment. i cried 😭

Nov. 13

there was one person sneezed in the student room omfg

Nov. 14

i had a donut today, kinda disappointed i remember original glazed should be better

Nov. 15

so much work towards the end of the semester :((

Nov. 16

it’s 2am, i’m very hungry and tired right now so i have to note it down.

Nov. 17

my mindset atm: i really don’t care about this particular assignment cuz the worst i could get would be a B and i have all those high A’s to balance it out anyway (not healthy but i’m so done hehe)

Nov. 18

very cold today, nothing happened, peace

Nov. 19

me doing “getting rid of muffin tops in 7 days” exercises and at the same time:

Nov. 20

the muffins are so good and hopefully i can survive this weekend

Nov. 21

i’m always saying i have lots of work but after breaking them down and getting some of them done, i realized actually, that’s not bad at all

i scrolled through my photo album today (procrastinating again yeah i know) and made this comparison collage. it’s been two years ngl the changes can barely be seen (i mean 8 months were at-home what can i expect lol) try living healthier, do less comparison, love every inch of ur body and stay confident ❤

Nov. 22

big snow day today and it was 12 degrees celsius two days ago 2020 is strange in every single possible way

Nov. 23

the second last week of the semester yayayyyy

Nov. 24

it’s 1am idk why but my powerpoint file for today’s 9am presentation got damaged so i’m redoing everything lol why am i still alive 🙂

Nov. 25

haven’t started my comp assignment yet, i’m very worried

Nov. 26

the snow from yesterday cuz i didn’t have any today

Nov. 27

coding is hard and i don’t like it

Nov. 28

why are there so many edge cases in comp assignments?

Nov. 29

biol 301 report is fun

Nov. 30

the last day of this month and the last week of the semester and the last month of 2020

conclusion:

it was hard to not to forget to take pictures of every single meal but yea this is my 30 days of randomness again.

to-do’s for december:

• finish the semester nicely
• sleep until i can no longer
• eat clean
• exercise
• enjoy the break and be mentally prepared for the next online semester 🥲

happy holiday season by the way

“it’s easy to talk big, but the important thing is whether or not you clean up the shit.”

– norwegian wood (how i was procrastinating by reading it again instead of getting shit done lol)

sept. 2 wednesday

to-buy

the whole year of 2020 is weird. schools normally start on the first tuesday of september, but this year mcgill decided to start today. there’s a strange thought that has been stuck inside for a while: how do i know that physiology is the right one for me? at this point, all i can do is to constantly persuade myself that im into the subject and will be willing to do it for the rest of my life. if i say that i want to switch to a whole new major, people must think im crazy. anything “for the rest of the life” becomes overwhelming for a 19 year old and when i think of it, i start to doubt. i guess that’s why i feel weird. [haha nah i like physiology, it’s just when i think it’s MY major, it feels bizarre.]

im really stressed out these days, can’t sleep and wake up super early too. it’ll be alright, just take a deep breath and sort things out slowly.

$20k+ online school, let’s do it.

sept. 4 friday

first (half) week, done.

i’ve only been having online classes for two days, i already feel *not good*. I really should have taken a gap year. it’s not about motivation, but the learning styles. if i could do it online, even the free mit opencoueseware had done it better lol. [jkjk I LOVE MCGILL.]

anyway that’s life, shit happens and it’s happening to most of people right now.

strange thought of the day: i want to live in 90s in france like the one depicted in amélie. can’t speak french but i want a getaway to somewhere i have zero knowledge of.

edit: nah i want japan instead.

sept. 5 saturday

a little chat about rejections

had some talks with my friends about our dating life. throwing back, i’ve received a handful rejections from the “crushes” that i had. I’ve rejected lots of people myself too. those nervous but excitable moments, the times sitting down with friends and trying to word a perfect message, planning a specific route to have that “accidental” encounter, the careful but bold spirits… three things should be kept in mind:

1) be yourself. “you shouldn’t have poured everything out like that” “you should’ve been more tactful in the game” “you should’ve…” all those advice flooding in. abandon those “techniques” because that’s not you. be affectionate, be whole-hearted, be you.

2) acknowledge and appreciate. if you are the one rejecting the other person, the least your can do is say thank you and appreciate their feelings. if you are the one being rejected, acknowledge the feelings towards the person and don’t feel embarrassed. these feelings are actually cute and genuine!

3) there’re many other things (and people) out there! the further you go, the better and more alike people you’ll meet. the movies, the books, the projects, the friends, and the everything you like. think about all the delightful chances you are going to have, exciting!

like my friends joked: “move on, plenty of fish out there.”

edit: i don’t even like the smell of fish.

sept. 12 saturday

another week done. busy week.

it’s slowly getting colder and the priority on the list is to keep myself warm, physically and mentally. it’s too cold to go out for a run now, i just can’t make my mind if i should wear t-shirt or long sleeve.

a week with the still-trying-to-get-used-to occupied schedule, the lukewarm coffee in the mug, the frozen prof on the zoom call, while trying to catch the last scrap of summer 2020. everything makes week 2 unique. there’s no second junior week 2 anymore, and i loved it.

sept. 15 12:30 am

i feel like i’m drained out. my friend messaged me that he has been on a 3hr sleep schedule for a while now. me here, working till midnight every day, having a less than 6hr sleep, i honestly don’t know where all my time went. and i kinda feel bad that i’m not sleeping little enough (yeah i know, some weird peer pressure). i knew from the beginning that this year is NOT meant to be easy, stay alive and keep working.

edit: google said 4 cups of brewed coffee is too much. okay.

“you can’t always keep your loved ones with you. you can’t always settle your life in one place. the world was made to change. but as long as you cherish the memories and make new ones along on the way, no matter where you are, you’ll always be at home.” – this is where it ends (why do i always quote so much lol)

sep. 18 friday

omg week 3 is FINALLY done, im crying. i still have two dues this weekend and some extra psets to get over with. (sorry lemme start over again, this beginning was too shitty.)

this week has been rough and too much caffeine consumption is giving me a high tolerance that red bull and espresso shots no longer work well. i cut naps from my life and i kinda miss them. running and exercising are the only sources for my everyday endorphins / dopamine / serotonin / noradrenaline intake. im grateful that i still have time for them.

edit: red bull doesn’t even have that much caffeine lol rip all that liquid in my stomach for doing nothing. “if you drink coffee or tea or monster energy or whatever for every single day of college, as a whole your energy and motivation will be a little bit elevated and your health will only be marginally decreased.” (not recommending doing it just personally i need to use “substances”)

every day seemed so long but days passed by so fast, be productive and yeah that’s it for the week.

sept. 20th sunday

some feelings are not good. they are something so hard to comprehend, like sick sentiments from inside out, slowly deteriorating and getting rotten like the apples you put in the fridge but without power for six months. it’s so hard that i just want to close my eyes and huddle myself up under a big warm comforter. the further i go, the more responsibilities and pressure i get and the more i’ll realize that there’s nothing i can do to go beyond that. i wish i could live without any restraints or just a person without those damn consciousness.

are “the responsibility” or “the role of being a person in this society” the ones bothering me? nope, i could totally live without them but

“the thought of dying has never bothered me, but getting hurt, losing blood, becoming crippled and the like—no thanks.”  – no longer human

i guess im too apprehensive after all.

dying at 17 is much better than dying at 71. but im not going to form an argument to write about how it’s “better” here cuz “it’s not right to say that” as people will say. for real, for the next life, i want to be the wind, the sky, or just something intangible of nothingness.

edit: this is a very typical me, one side being like “i can do this” and the other is being like “im so done with my life.” im totally fine, i just think too much.

sept. 25th friday

things are getting better, or it’s just me getting more used to it.

edit (1:30 am): nope nope nope, i lied, still shit tons of stuff to get done lol. i mean why tho i didnt procrastinate or anything (or im prob doing it unconsciously lol), why i still cant keep up? is it just me or everyone else too? but i do need to hop onto my bed and go die now :))

the anxiety level has been high in the sky lately, very nice. I was awoken by the dream that i got kicked out of school by the committee THROUGH ZOOM. then i started to wake myself from the sleep every ten minutes to make sure that it was just a dream. i mean even though im cool with many things, but getting kicked out is not one of them.

weekend to-do:

☐ 250 quiz 2 (due on sunday)

☐ feedback (due on monday)

☐ phgy311 test 3 (due on monday)

☐ 301 prelab

☐ 359 paper

☐ study for bioc311 quiz 2

☐ 250 extra and presentation

junior year do be different, i feel like im living a final-week life lol. anyway, cheers to september, can’t wait for week 5 and october’s torturing hehe.

october looking forward to:

☞ moon cakes and the full moon 🥮

☞ cinnamony halloween 🎃

☞ maple leaves on mt. royal 🍁

☞ first snow (or november we never know) ❄️

☞ a clean diet with less doritos 🥗

☞ abs, im quitting doritos u better show up 😤

that’s it for sept, might be adding something to it later but idk.

thanks for reading 🙂