It’s been
me, myself, i, july 8th, 2025 (august 15th now lol)threefour months since my last birthday blog. I still haven’t changed my site icon — it’s stuck at 23. The world keeps moving forward, second by second. Maybe that’s the only evidence I need: that it’s time to slow down, and look within.
[Note: wrote this a month ago. Didn’t post it then. Posting it now because it still feels real — just in a quieter way.]
When I put my hand over my stomach, I feel the heart palpitations. Ironically, I breathe in and out along with them, using the diaphragmatic breathing technique I used to dismiss.
How much is considered “trying hard enough”? When I feel the pain of wanting to abandon my own body just to keep up with the expectations I built for myself, I find myself trapped in a room full of mirrors—also built and designed by me.
Why am I still confused after knowing so much? I don’t need anyone to answer that for me because I already know the logic behind it. I know what I’m “supposed” to do: sit with the confusion and let it pass, don’t chase the answer, live in the present, etc.
But logic has stopped working. My brain is panicking. As the deadlines creep closer, the confusion isn’t just a mood—it’s becoming a new life state. I’ve done the things I’m supposed to do, and they’ve worked… temporarily. But the fog always comes back. I know I’m “supposed” to put things down and pick them back up later. Everyone says that. But do they really know how hard that is?
No matter how many times I tell myself, “It’s not a big deal. We can let it go because it’s not that important,” I still haven’t figured out how to actually put it down.
I thought I was building resilience by staying in the gray zones. Then people said, “You can’t have both. You have to choose.” And I found myself screaming into the void, “What should I do this time?” The void only mumbled back: “I don’t know either… just not THIS.”
Everyone says, “Just do something, and it’ll kill the feeling of emptiness.” But when everything fails, I’m left with one question: “What now?” QUOTE “My whole life has been made up of either running or stalling.” END QUOTE. Nostalgia and reflection are the only things I’ve ever had control over. And now even my past is becoming a wall that pushes me forward whether I’m ready or not.
I took a gap year that some people would call irresponsible. I spiraled right before final exams. Have I tried hard enough? I genuinely don’t know. My brain keeps protecting me from knowing the truth. I keep running from my fears. And now I’m stuck in this mirror room—where all I can see, over and over again, is myself.
I’ve been reading and thinking, but I’m just feeding the void. When I can’t even recognize my own hunger, how can I take care of myself?
I want to slow down. I want to stop trying, even just for a little bit. I can call it burnout, overwhelm, depression, or anxiety to give it some clinical significance.
The phrase, “Who doesn’t have a little depression and anxiety these days?” made me dismiss my own discomfort for way too long. I always assumed if others feel the same way, then I must be fine too—until other people’s logic stopped working on me.
I’ve been a literal “supplement”-taking machine, and I still doubt whether I’m being dramatic. When my heart aches for no reason, I still wonder if I’m just being too sensitive. Eventually, my body had enough. It basically said: “I’ve been trying to tell you, but you won’t listen.”
So here’s where I’m at: I’m in a pit. I’m burnt out. I’m stuck. And yes, I take “supplements” just to have enough energy to lie to myself that I’m “fine.” I need to slow down. I’m still learning how to do that. Still learning how to live.
So am I okay?
I’m still breathing. So I guess that counts for something.
19til29 