tl;wr: so. 22-year-old me asked a bunch of deep, existential shit like she wasn’t emotionally unstable. 23-year-old me lived through a year of mental gymnastics and character development arcs. now 24-year-old me has circled back like, “sup loser, i got some answers (and more trauma lol).” also threw new questions into the void for future me to cry about. time is fake, healing is a scam, and this is just me beefing with myself across timelines. enjoy the clown show 🤡 (6min read time, but 3min if you can skim faster)
for my 22 year old self:
💫 IDENTITY & AUTHENTICITY
- Which version of me is actually me?
The emotionally numb us, the emotionally overloaded us, the playful us, the blunt us, they are ALL parts of us. There is no “which one is the real deal,” because they all matter.
- When I share myself — which version is it that others see?
We are a mirror. We don’t just project my own deeper desires — We reflect other people’s unconscious ones too. It’s not just trauma, not just attachment styles. It’s human-to-human chemistry, shaping different versions of us with different people, at different times.
- Does “adulting” mean I have to hide my childlike parts better?
Hell nah. Everyone has childlike parts, we are just better at showing them LOL.
- What even is oversharing, and why does it scare me?
We are scared of being judged — which just means we are human. Will that fear change my tendency to overshare? Maybe. Will I stop? Probably not 😏
🧠 INTUITION, PERCEPTION & TRUTH
- Do I still trust my intuition — or have I overwritten it with logic?
We are both, whether we like it or not. Intuition and logic run quietly in balance, even when we don’t notice. The more we trust myself, the smoother they flow — like a fresh MacBook Pro 😮💨
- Do multiple perspectives expand my truth… or dilute it?
Yes, reading other views might bias us… but it’s not like we’ll suddenly join a cult lmao. Exposure doesn’t mean brainwashing — it just means expansion, with discernment.
- How can I tell the difference between acceptance and self-deception?
Tune in. If we are still spiraling? It’s probably self-deception. If it feels like a weight off our shoulders? That’s acceptance.
🌀 EXISTENTIAL LOOPS
- Is self-exploration just endless spiraling?
Yes. But not in a “stuck in square one” way. It’s growth in disguise. It hurts because the spiral doesn’t show its progress clearly — but trust me, we’re not the same person at the top of the spiral as we were at the bottom.
- What even is happiness — and does it have a fixed shape?
Nope. Happiness shapeshifts. It lives in stupid laughter, in the first sip of lemonade after hours of thirst, in tiny moments you didn’t realize were sacred until later. You feel it in your cells.
- What is “enough”? Why do I always crave more?
Well, the current me isn’t craving more… So, it’s just a phase haha. Okay, let’s be serious though, it’s a concept of that fine ass balance between thrill and boredom. And I’m sorry to tell you, you are currently in the boredom phase, and you want to get the fuck out of it. I understand the frustration because I still get your same feeling here and there! But it will pass, like everything else.
- Are some questions just meant to be answered with “well, that’s life”?
Nah, we ain’t answering the question. We are just putting something down for now that we will come back to later with more ✨knowledge.✨ Think of it like us trying to bullshit and write down something on an exam question, not to prove that we know the answer, but just not to leave it blank lmao.
💔 HEARTBREAK & EMOTIONAL DEPTH
- Why did that breakup hit me so hard?
Because it was that deep.
It wasn’t just heartbreak — it was grief. It was a look into the void, asking, “What does it mean to end something that still feels real?” It cracked open our understanding of love, death, memory, and permanence.
- How is this grief different from all the others?
See above. (LOL, I still answer like I’m taking an exam.)
- What was I truly longing for — and what was I actually afraid of?
We were afraid of forgetting. We were afraid of becoming ignorant again. We were afraid of “This was once special but now it no longer is.” We were longing for that feeling of “everything is special” because it made us feel alive. But, it’s not about the relationship itself. It’s to be able to find special meaning in the mundane. And, don’t you worry, we are getting that feeling within us! Can you believe it?
- Why do we all break in similar ways… and yet feel so differently?
Because we’re all fighting the same war… but with different weapons, on different terrain. Same emotions, different capacity to hold them. We’ve evolved. Five years ago, we were spelling “ABIDE” with only five letters in our soul alphabet. Now we know words like “ABDOMEN.” Still decoding life — but with way more tools.
📖 EXPRESSION & MEANING-MAKING
- What are the limits of words — and can we really understand each other through them?
Nope. Words are limited. But people are often more lost in themselves than we realize — so clarity within matters more than clarity between. If we stay true to our voice, the right people will resonate.
Bonus Q: Are those questions dumb? What if I will find them cringe in the future?
Bro. Don’t you dare doubt yourself again. These questions? Holy. Shit. I’m in love with your brain. I’d hug you so tight you couldn’t breathe — that’s how powerful your questions were.
A year later? No, they aren’t dumb. They’re divine.
for my 24 year old self:
💫 Self & Identity
• Do you feel more like “you” than ever?
• Are you proud of your evolution?
🔥 Desire & Connection
• Did romantic desire change shape this year?
• Can you now tell being seen apart from being wanted?
📚 Growth & Healing
• Have you learned to rest without guilt?
• Do you feel before understanding, or still the reverse?
💔 Loss & Meaning
• Did you let yourself grieve this year?
• Did impermanence still hurt, or start to make sense?
• Did you run from endings, or stay and say goodbye?
🌌 Existential Chaos™
• Are you still chasing clarity?
• What are you chasing now?
• Do you trust your voice more than others’?
🧸 And Finally…
• What did you create that 23-year-old you couldn’t imagine?
19til29 