It’s been a month since school started, and I survived. It wasn’t as smooth as I hoped, and it definitely wasn’t the “new beginning” I imagined last time. I have this habit of calling every fresh start “a new chapter,” like hitting refresh on a webpage, expecting everything to change. The loading time fools me into thinking something will be different, but most of the time, it’s the same page as before.
So, how’s the first month of med school been? Not easy, but not impossible either. Like I said, it wasn’t really a clean slate—I’m still dealing with all my old issues while trying to keep up with the new stuff. The frequent exams weren’t the end of the world, and I found some weird joy in studying for them. Compared to my messy life, school feels straightforward. Not saying med school is a breeze—it’s not—but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not as terrifying.
I thought being back in school would somehow fix me, like a part of me would just get better and my problems would fade. Clearly, that didn’t happen. Learning has added some balance to my life, but my issues are still here. The busy schedule doesn’t erase my worries for good; it just pauses them. As soon as exams were over, all the anxiety came rushing back. I’ve tried detours and workarounds, hoping the gaps would fill themselves, but it turns out the only way forward is straight through.
Looking back at when I said, “I’m ready,” I was confident, but I didn’t really know what I was in for until now. I expected challenges, but when they weren’t shoveling right in my face, I just assumed I could handle them with enough confidence and hard work. But the path isn’t just a constant climb—it’s more like a spiral with plenty of plateaus and dips before the next uphill.
Avoiding problems works temporarily, but they always come back. I might be better equipped to handle them later, but there’s no guarantee they won’t show up at the worst possible time, piling on when things are already tough.
“Fuck it, I’ll deal with it later” doesn’t always cut it. Sometimes, it’s more like “Fuck it, let’s dive in and see what happens.” It’s funny because those two mindsets aren’t mutually exclusive—they often coexist. Like when I dive into a challenge I’m unsure about, I have to suppress my doubts in that “fuck it, deal with it later” way just to push myself towards “fuck it, let’s go.” Sure, the “deal with it later” part might be less obvious when it comes to the challenge itself, but it pops up in other areas, shifting around and taking new forms, like doubts and uncertainties.
I can still pull myself out if I really wanted to, but I’m tired of the cycle—circling around the same gaps, reconsidering every possible solution, only to end up back in them. It’s not a comfortable process, and while I might not hate every single second, I despise most of them. I don’t know what’s ahead on this journey, but I do know it’s going to mess me up big time before anything good comes out of it.
I’m not sure if I’ll pull away because, knowing myself, I have a tendency to back off when things start feeling rough. I’m here, sitting with all this discomfort, trying to convince myself not to run—but it’s hard.
So far, I’m proud of myself for not completely retreating into my comfort zone, even though I keep jumping in and out to balance the comfort and discomfort. For October, my goal is simple: just push through the exams and aim for a slightly better life. It doesn’t need to be a “fresh start”—just 1% better than before is enough.
19til29 