TLDR (5min read time): I used to roll my eyes whenever I heard the phrase “show self-compassion,” but now, if I could go back in time, I’d hug my past self. Mental health still isn’t talked about enough, and it saddens me that there’s still a stigma surrounding it. Writing and posting this takes courage, but I want whoever is reading this to know that you are not alone. Life is undoubtedly hard, and exploring who you are is incredibly difficult. If you’re facing challenges, be kind to yourself and find a safe space for your mind to rest.
Again, school starts in a few days, and my anxiety is spinning like crazy. I’ve been procrastinating on this post for a while. The original plan was to reflect on the past year since it’s been a year since I left Canada. But here we are—ideas eluded me, and anxiety got the best of me. (I’ll be posting something soon about anxiety disorder vs. regular anxious feelings. I wrote about this a few years ago, but this time it’ll be different—especially now that I’ve had the “honor” of experiencing it firsthand. Trying to keep it light, but yeah, it’s still a serious topic.)
Last year was a hell of a ride (yup, I say that every time), as some of you might already know. People asked, “Are you actually ready this time?” I answered, “I don’t know. I think so, but you know me, I NEVER know for sure.”
Over the year, I’ve learned a lot about myself—the strengths and the vulnerabilities.
What has changed since then?
Surprisingly, some of the doubts I used to have disappeared. I still have plenty of doubts about who I am, but those nagging “what ifs” are gone, leaving me with a quieter mind. It’s a scary feeling. When I used to bury my head in the sand to feel safe, the natural sunlight felt blinding at first. Am I excited about the journey ahead? Absolutely.
How to face the fear?
What I fear most is myself. I don’t know when I’ll start causing problems for myself again, or if I’ll recognize the signs early enough to soften the fall. The mistrust is so deep it doesn’t even feel like a lack of confidence. I do have confidence, but there’s still a part of me lurking in the dark, waiting to act up when the time comes. Right now, I’m building my defense system against future setbacks. The best advice I can give myself is to chill and let things unfold. Being anxious about what might or might not happen should be the last thing I do.
What’s normal?
After spending too much time figuring out how to be “normal,” I’ve realized it’s okay to differ from the norm in some areas of life. Instead of fixating on “why am I not like everyone else?” I’m learning that self-acceptance is the way to go. This isn’t me trying to be a life guru; I still struggle with it. It’s a broader issue—constantly comparing ourselves to others. Building self-esteem doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s okay to struggle with it.
What’s important?
I’ve asked this countless times in previous posts. No, getting that degree isn’t the most important thing. No, having a $100k income or making a relationship work isn’t everything. Sure, these things matter to some extent, but they shouldn’t rule my life or health. What truly matters are the basics I’ve often overlooked—sleep, diet, movement, and time with the loved ones.
What to do next?
Self-sabotage is okay. Blind confidence is okay. It’s okay to be confused, to get lost, to swing back and forth. It’s okay to label myself, and it’s okay to remove those labels when they no longer fit. Overanalyzing is okay, and so is being absent-minded. Self-criticism is okay, and criticizing my self-criticism is okay too. Right now, my priority is to build my own system as a person outside of school. It might sound far-fetched, but I’ll stick to the thing I say all the time: “Just go with the flow and see where it goes.” (The point is obviously not to encourage self-sabotage, but rather not to pile on another layer of “I’m so worried about my self-sabotaging tendencies” when you’re already dealing with the struggle itself.)
What exactly happened last year?
I won’t go into the details of what happened since people have biases. Let’s just say I experienced some burnout amid all the transitions. My body started showing signs, warning me to slow down and take a break. Yes, I have a lot of concerns and doubts about my abilities. Yes, I don’t always trust myself. Yes, I fear fucking things up. So what? I can’t change overnight, and I can’t not be myself (not in the cocky way). I’m not trying to, nor should I, fix myself—I’m learning to be comfortable with who I am. Let’s work through life slowly and gently.
When those damn crises hit again, close your eyes, take a deep breath, put on some music, and remind yourself: “Yeah, this sucks, it’s fucked up, it’s a POS. But I’ve got this. I did it once, and I can do it again, and again.”
19til29 