too long won’t read: i feel like an imposter in different areas; idk why i’m writing at all but i’m still doing it cuz i like it; self-love is confusing cuz of the blurry line to selfishness. lastly, lots of appreciation to people who have been there for/with me this year, and happy holidays to everyone.
hey friends,
it’s been like a month now – how have y’all been doing? let’s catch up. the thrill of the weekly post ended quite shortly, as expected before i even started the whole thing. (at this point, i can’t distinguish if it was a self-fulfilling prophecy or just laziness anymore.)
life is full of ups and downs, and unfortunately, for the last few weeks, i found myself situated in the downs. i allowed myself to take a break from my own thoughts, living a relatively repetitive life that gave me some sort of energy. it’s a paradox to me; in order to think, i need to break out from repetitiveness. but the breakout costs much more than the action itself – it’s like a self-interrogation.
as i sit here and write sh*t down at this moment, in the back of my mind, i’m thinking about the Anki cards i need to go through today. i’ve kinda lost the ability to prioritize my tasks. recently, whenever i wanted to write, i shook the idea off by putting it off and off until i couldn’t remember the thought anymore. and THAT is bad.
there have been some thoughts that have been stuck with me for some time, which haven’t been forgotten (thank god) before i stare at the blank page, trying to dig something out of the grooves of my brain. now it’s time to share – or more like a thought dump LOL.
every time i write, i’d warn myself not to overshare. however, i find the definition of oversharing unclear. to some, it’s exposing even the tiniest bit of themselves, while to others, it’s not telling strangers their home address. i fall somewhere in between. if i discover something is too personal, i simply take it down and learn from the mistake. yeah, i learn my lessons the hard way.
1. an imposter?
a. i often observe the pervasive use of the term “imposter” in my generation. but of course i’m no sociological expert, i can’t make any definite conclusion of this phenomenon. nonetheless, the universal embrace of the “imposter syndrome” includes me and a bunch of others.
b. academically, i consider myself semi-intelligent – smart but average. in conversations with myself, i struggle with the nature of success, questioning whether luck played a grater role than merit. the paradox of acknowledging failure while feeling like an imposter in success becomes a constant companion in my journey.
c. within the sphere of intimacy, my internal dialogue resonates with self-criticism – “not pretty enough,” “bad temper,” “incapable of love.” these thoughts possibly rooted in insecurities or low self-esteem, but i put it within the framework of imposter syndrome. understanding my own virtues becomes a struggle, perpetually entangled in the search of self-worth.
d. emotional encounters become another quandary as i interrogate the authenticity of my feelings. questions like “am i pretending my emotions?” permeate my introspective moments. despite feeling the emotions, the nagging skepticism precedes my expression, turning each emotional act into a potential imposture.
e. during the recent hiatus, i used the challenges faced by others during finals and my own struggles created by the external sources as rationales for my absence. yet, this introspection morphed into self-gaslighting, a subtle attempt to excuse my lapse. the internal debate of realism vs. self-indulgence unfolds, revealing some ethical complexities of personal responsibility and external circumstances.
f. i recognize myself in the paradoxical identity of a “lazy overachiever” as i mentioned in the last post – a consistent and solid mental framework that turns positivity into negativity. this curious form of self-motivation through self-sabotage is my psychological network. achievements, from writing to weekly gym sessions, lose their sheen if not accompanied by a burnout, reflecting the restless within.
g. i certainly don’t have a quick fix to this problem, or thought, or issue. what i can do is to construct a more substantial illusion of a cognitive masterpiece to convince myself that i am not an imposter. this whole thing becomes a pursuit of existential authenticity, where the fractured self seeks reconciliation with an idealized, albeit illusory, sense of genuine being.
2. what’s writing to ME?
a. i wonder what makes a writer or thinker “good.” if i express myself without aiming to connect with readers, am i a bad writer? yet, writing solely for views feels fraudulent. the middle ground is crafting ideas in a way the public can understand. but then, is it all just entertainment with the writer as a medium for info transmission?
b. i enjoy writing and thinking, but what’s the point? do i want to be heard? am i searching for the “truth?” the answer to the former: sure, but it’s not the top priority. then why have a blog if being heard isn’t crucial? the answer to the latter: there’s no absolute truth. then what am i doing here? (man, i receive almost no feedback anyway, and i’m sitting here, worrying about if i’m being heard LOL.)
c. to be heard, i must create something entertaining. yet, i resist writing solely for entertainment. my rebellion is writing for its own sake – maybe another excuse for my limitations or a form of self-sabotage.
d. i feel stupid when writing, encountering walls of unknown knowledge. delving deeper could take years, and self-sabotage clouds my mind, even on straightforward topics like DNA replication. (how can i be SURE if i don’t read every single article about the topic?)
e. i admit that i’m not adept in either language. my chinese and english fall short, hindering proper self-expression. learning the language seems a solution, but it’s a delay tactic. so, i use plain words, creating a chaotic portrayal of my mind.
f. after points a to e, i concluded that writing matters to me. i cast aside standards and expectations, writing unseen. yet, i acknowledge responsibility to avoid unintentional harm with my words. for example, i’m pretty sure that my all lowercase is going to make some people go “ughh”, apologies first, but that’s who i am and how i construct my last post of 2023.
g. in our peculiar era, every action faces inner or external resistance. as an old saying goes: “don’t be a p*ssy; choose and commit.” balancing personal conviction and consideration for others becomes the challenge in this strange landscape we inhabit.
3. what is self-love?
a. as the year ends and i approach 23 (still 4 months away fyi), i’m still trying to figure out the connection between love and self-love. following the last point from the previous section, i’m pondering where the line between self-love and selfishness lies.
b. recently, a thought-provoking video (don’t remember which) emphasized the significance of focusing on our own needs and desire instead of dedicating all our time and energy to serving others.
c. memories are like threads weaving our personal stories. life is short, and only a few significant moments stick with us. these moments replay in our minds like fleeting clips. living solely for oneself or loving oneself seems paradoxical. to do so, we navigate societal structures, social roles, material pursuits, and consumerism – parameters that dictate our survival and well-being.
d. pursuing “living for oneself” involves conforming to social norms and structures. we play roles and participate in societal life, raising questions about the feasibility of exclusively living for oneself.
e. in reality, we are connected to the world around us, shaped by collective history and societal frameworks. our lives involve moments of engaging with and contributing to others’ well-being. balancing individual fulfillment and societal contribution forms our existence.
f. apologies for the rambling. my point is, self-love is a social construct. we can’t truly love ourselves without interacting with others. learning to love ourselves happens through loving others and receiving love from the world. (IMO!!)
g. love is a complicated subject, and i may revisit it next year. it’s a deep topic, and not everyone can make it this far reading through my nonsense anyway LOL.
h. how does this thought connect to the previous two? firstly, these topics have been extensively discussed throughout history, with MANY experts in these fields. this abundance of existing discussion has hindered me form writing about them for a LONG time. secondly, delving into these unknown questions triggers the paradoxical imposter syndrome. the feelings of stupidity and lack of knowledge merge into a mountain of frustration. so, here we are, navigating the complexities of thought and self-expression. i really want to make another point, but my brain is deep fried at this point already, so that pretty much sums it up.
at the end of this post and the end of 2023, i want to thank everyone who has been with me, as well as the tons of others who have either actively or passively impacted me. it has been a wild year for me personally, but whose isn’t while they are still in their early 20s? i’m grateful for everyone i’ve encountered this year. thank you all for showing up in my life and creating some of the most precious pieces of my own self. during this holiday season, i wish you all the best and happy holidays🎄love yourself a bit more in the upcoming year, and may everything be smooth for you!
lots of love with some extraaa love than usual,
lin
p.s. if you really make it sooo far to this point, i apologize for the structure and logic of my writing. it will get better.
19til29 