hi friends! as finals season approaches, i’ve taken a moment to reflect on my past tendencies to place excessive demands on myself. wishing each of you tremendous success in your upcoming finals and graduate applications for the Class of 2024. best of luck!
“It seems like you ask for a lot from yourself,” my friend said. When she inquired about my feelings regarding my consistent gym attendance over the years, I nonchalantly shrugged and replied, “I’m proud, but it’s not something to overly boast about. Deep down, I’m always unimpressed by myself, thinking, ‘you could’ve done better.'”
Caught up in the current era’s hustle culture, I found myself competing not only with others but against my own will. Yet, today, I’ve come to realize that I lost a part of myself along the way. Despite being inherently lazy and having modest expectations, I somehow transformed into one of those high achievers in our materialistic world.
Competition was never my cup of tea. While other kids my age fought for candies, I would stand there patiently, waiting for the chaos to subside. In crowded situations like boarding buses or metros, I preferred lingering behind, content to be the last one. Even on my swimming team, where everyone raced for the first place, I found satisfaction in claiming the last spot. It took me a decade to truly grasp the meaning of competition.
The question lingers: Is my ambition an authentic part of me, aka is it an biological instinct, or did it stem from external influences? This internal conflict becomes another layer of my struggle—a clash between a deeply ingrained high self-standard and a natural inclination toward laziness.
As I reflect on the changes I’ve undergone over the years, something doesn’t quite align with who I used to be. A once laid-back individual, I find myself becoming increasingly unimpressed with my own achievements, always striving to instill more discipline to enhance myself.
This inner desire for improvement seems fueled by the pressures of the modern environment. It parallels the pursuit of various goals, where the allure of accomplishments sometimes appears hollow and lacking true substance.
The friend introduced grounding techniques to tether me to reality, a realm I frequently find daunting. “Live in the present and embrace life instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future,” she advised. My reply echoed a persistent struggle, “I just don’t know how to. I look at one thing, I either see its past or its future; the present only flashes by and then it becomes the past.”
My worries about the future constantly feed into my lazy-ass ambition. “I need to do this… I need to do that… I need this degree in order to get that degree…”
Still not sure about the desires towards high achievements, but cynicism has always been a part of my nature. While kids my age reveled in play and laughter, my thoughts were occupied with concerns about my impending 40-year-old adulthood. My grasp of nature and reality instilled in me a sense of hopelessness, as the idealism seemed unattainable.
In response, I forged my own system, one diverging from the accepted norms of the mainstream world, resulting in a contradiction self – an anxious procrastinator, an indecisive determinative person, and a lazy overachiever.
the last 3 paragraphs were so shit, but it’s time to post. thank you for stopping by!
lots of love,
lin
19til29 