pt. 2 (why am i writing part 2 in english? why am i doing it with keyboard again? where is the consistency? i don’t know, i just feel like to.)
“another procrastination session, how nice.” nope, the imperative thing to figure out on the top of the others at the moment should be finding the original motivation.
recently, i’ve been feeling “unwell.” it’s more of a term describing my current state than a psychological or physiological condition. there is a void inside me that holds me from doing things, things that are more real, things that are seemingly more important than the rest at present. it’s an indescribable feeling. my short-term memory became messed up; my field of vision narrowed down; my attention was in another dimension when talking to people. i don’t know where i am when i’m outside by myself, like figuratively. Did some self-diagnosis, and don’t think it’s anything medical related. (might be hormonal, who knows)
i still consider myself as an immature being, especially when i’m still questioning about my identities. i can’t remember the time when i had a gap that led to the confusion i’m having right now. it might be a month ago, or four years ago. the way out of this state i’m in is completely on myself. it doesn’t necessarily mean that the help from the others was useless, but i should be the one who’s responsible for my doings. and no, taking a long walk or spending time with myself is not a solution, for me at least. still, like always, i need to write things down to straighten my entangled thoughts. they are definitely messy in the beginning, but once put them in the right order my mind would be clearer.
continue with the the last question “where do i see myself in the next 10 years” from pt. 1, which was a bit too ambitious. i certainly cannot answer it with 100% confidence. no matter how long i sit down and think, there is no way to plan out everything with every possible outcomes calculated. therefore, i shortened the timeframe to five years. where do i see myself in the next 5 years?
i’m graduating in a year and during the next few months, i’ll be making decisions for the next few years. it’s similar to the time back when i was deciding my undergraduate major in terms of the feeling of disorientation i’m experiencing now, but distinctive in some other ways. throwing back how i made the decision to become who i am now was such a chain of coincidences — it was just right on the time, and my mood was right on the point. i didn’t take much time to consider every aspect of the path i was going to walk on, not until today. i spent a couple of minutes when i was filling my application, without even knowing the differences between the faculty of science and the faculty of arts sci.
“mcgill is fair, it’s close to toronto; french-speaking province, hm, fun,”
“hm definitely not arts, too much english,”
“probably not comp sci either,”
“lemme check what mcgill is good at…”
“life sci seems reasonable,”
“alright, biomed or whatever, done.”
yes, that’s how i originally ended up in life science, very random. however, i still believe that it was my subconsciousness that shaped the option i chose and it was this very option that has shaped me to believe that it was a quite nice choice.
at the moment, i have browsed all those different potential tracks i might take on and the more i browse, the more confused i get. so, i stopped rushing or making decisions before i have really figured out the “ultimate” goal i want to achieve. it might sound bizarre and unrealistic to set one, but in the end, it’ll be that goal, or the intrinsic motivation, to keep myself moving. sometimes, looking at the employment trends would minify my scope, “but it’s your job and income that matter the most at the end of a day.” i have to admit that under this materialistic environment, i can’t live idealistically. maybe i can, one day, maybe my ideological level can reach a certain height when everything else is satisfied. one thing i know for sure is that the decision entering life science was a right one and sticking to it is what i want to do for the rest of my life, which one particularly, is the major question to be answered.
occasionally, asking fewer questions is better than asking too many. i’ll stop here without digging too deep into my choices. i took my time to think over, and at the time of making decision, i’d be more of the spontaneous type.
i didn’t bother considering computer science or tech in general after giving it at least three chances to come to this conclusion; i chose physiology while ten years ago i already started to pay attention to the anatomical diagrams in the textbook that science teachers skipped; the most random tattoo i chose back in time was after thinking twice for more than a year… everything that i thought is “coincidental” and spontaneous was all long-planned without me knowing. “hell yeah or no” is one of my mottos nowadays. if it’s something that i don’t want to do RIGHT at this moment, i will not do it. now i ask myself again, am i really an indecisive person who can’t make up her mind to do anything? i’d answer no today. it’s the long phase for me before arriving at the final destination. i can imagine, at the point where i need to choose, i’d do it without hesitation. it’s possible that i could have done better if i chose other wise let’s say i might have some talents in acting who knows. but if it’s the decision i made, stick to it and make the best out of it.
live life and let things happen, when it comes to the time to decide, choose the one that makes the most sense. after some time, you’d realize that that very option was the one represented yourself the most.
i’m at 1337th (after endless editing, idk where i’m at now) word right now, more than what a personal statement requires. anyways, i think my mind is 80% clear now. the rest 20%, i’ll try and do something else.
do i have targeted audiences? no, i do not. i don’t care who’s viewing my posts who’s not. i’m writing all those things for myself, for people who are “bored” to read some nonsense i wrote on a random day. but then, where did i get the audacity to share them with the public? i do not know, either. i just feel the urge and i let it happen. the degree of transparency i have as a person is so high that i don’t mind revealing myself. people judge, and i know they would try to make assumptions about another person more or less based on the limited information they perceived. how much i care about how other people think of me depends on the degree the person would affect me personally. for example, i’d be very careful in front of my profs but i wouldn’t have the same degree of carefulness in front of someone that i know i’d never see again.
the one and only goal for now is not to waste any more time. when i’m not at my best to do work, do other things: listen to broadcast when i don’t want to read; draw one or two nice pictures when i don’t want to write; do anything so that “free thoughts” wouldn’t haunt me.
everything depends on my own cognition, EVERYTHING. so, lin, you are living for yourself, you are doing things for you. it’s not another “cheesy preachment for life change,” just a little reminder so you could do better without being disoriented. whenever you are not feeling well, don’t actually take your time because you only have finite amount. do something that put your time into good use (reading, writing, exercising, etc.)
i’m getting my wisdom teeth removed next week, hopefully lin wouldn’t get any dumber than now. and wish y’all a nice thursday, or friday, day, depending on when i’m going to post this. also hbd to my mom and dad <33
cheers,
lin
19til29 