hi, 20s

time is moving fast, i’m stepping into my 20s, for real this time.

the number is relative, the growth is continuous

am i turning into a whole new person at midnight today? probably not, but i still want to make it somewhat special to myself. i tend to question myself a lot: who am i? what do i want? am i living with satisfaction? what should i do next? do i need to change? the deeper i go, the more lost i get. 20 is a big number to my little mind. it’s my first time being a 20 year old, it’s the first to all of us. i’m looking forward to it and at the same time, kinda scared. i don’t know what the future holds, i don’t know what the next problem is, i don’t know when another mental breakdown will strike.

there’re too many things i’m uncertain about, but one thing i’m pretty sure is that i’ve grown up. it might not seem like a big change on an everyday scale, but throwing back, looking at me at 19, or 18, or even 17, i am indeed different. though, i still care too much, i still overshare, i still am the person with a consistent personality. i might have had this same, or similar mindset a couple days ago, while i wasn’t 20 yet. so this number didn’t really matter too much. what matters is to improve a little bit every day. yeah, i procrastinate. yeah, i’m off the track here and there. yeah, i’m disappointed in myself sometimes. they are all normal. there are turbulences when you fly too high.

it’s about you, you only, but not only you

only i know myself deep down there but i’m the one who makes myself confused, all the time. i asked my mom if she knows me well enough, she said yes, “but even myself don’t really know about myself lol.” i want to have april 12th to myself, but it’s not a day only about me, neither any other day in a year is. it was a big day for my mom, for my dad, maybe for the people who love me, for the people who remember this day. i, when i was younger (or less mature), would get somewhat frustrated if people forgot the date, especially the ones i expected them to remember. some people started to wish me birthday wishes since march, i asked them why, is it because they didn’t actually know my birthday. they really did don’t remember, but they knew it’s somewhere around march and april, they really cared. does the date really matter? no, what matters is that they remember me, they remember i’m growing up, every year, not just on the 12th. when the first signs of spring started to bloom, “it’s march, spring is here, oh wait, her bday is coming up.” with these people around me, i’m beyond grateful.

happy bday and have a good one!

i still want to make the day a ritual, even though i’m having too many dues for school on 12th *checking my schedule while shaking my head.* but hey! it’s pretty cool to write down my birthday on the cover page for the endocrinology paper!

no matter how tough life is, there’s always a positive aspect to look at. hi, my third* decade, we’ll definitely get along. happy birthday, i love you.