“it’s easy to talk big, but the important thing is whether or not you clean up the shit.”
– norwegian wood (how i was procrastinating by reading it again instead of getting shit done lol)
sept. 2 wednesday
to-buy
☐ a nice ipad pro
☐ desk stand
☐ COFFEE
☐ grocery list on ur phone
the whole year of 2020 is weird. schools normally start on the first tuesday of september, but this year mcgill decided to start today. there’s a strange thought that has been stuck inside for a while: how do i know that physiology is the right one for me? at this point, all i can do is to constantly persuade myself that im into the subject and will be willing to do it for the rest of my life. if i say that i want to switch to a whole new major, people must think im crazy. anything “for the rest of the life” becomes overwhelming for a 19 year old and when i think of it, i start to doubt. i guess that’s why i feel weird. [haha nah i like physiology, it’s just when i think it’s MY major, it feels bizarre.]
im really stressed out these days, can’t sleep and wake up super early too. it’ll be alright, just take a deep breath and sort things out slowly.
$20k+ online school, let’s do it.
sept. 4 friday
first (half) week, done.
i’ve only been having online classes for two days, i already feel *not good*. I really should have taken a gap year. it’s not about motivation, but the learning styles. if i could do it online, even the free mit opencoueseware had done it better lol. [jkjk I LOVE MCGILL.]
anyway that’s life, shit happens and it’s happening to most of people right now.
strange thought of the day: i want to live in 90s in france like the one depicted in amélie. can’t speak french but i want a getaway to somewhere i have zero knowledge of.
edit: nah i want japan instead.
sept. 5 saturday
a little chat about rejections
had some talks with my friends about our dating life. throwing back, i’ve received a handful rejections from the “crushes” that i had. I’ve rejected lots of people myself too. those nervous but excitable moments, the times sitting down with friends and trying to word a perfect message, planning a specific route to have that “accidental” encounter, the careful but bold spirits… three things should be kept in mind:
1) be yourself. “you shouldn’t have poured everything out like that” “you should’ve been more tactful in the game” “you should’ve…” all those advice flooding in. abandon those “techniques” because that’s not you. be affectionate, be whole-hearted, be you.
2) acknowledge and appreciate. if you are the one rejecting the other person, the least your can do is say thank you and appreciate their feelings. if you are the one being rejected, acknowledge the feelings towards the person and don’t feel embarrassed. these feelings are actually cute and genuine!
3) there’re many other things (and people) out there! the further you go, the better and more alike people you’ll meet. the movies, the books, the projects, the friends, and the everything you like. think about all the delightful chances you are going to have, exciting!
like my friends joked: “move on, plenty of fish out there.”
edit: i don’t even like the smell of fish.
sept. 12 saturday
another week done. busy week.
it’s slowly getting colder and the priority on the list is to keep myself warm, physically and mentally. it’s too cold to go out for a run now, i just can’t make my mind if i should wear t-shirt or long sleeve.
a week with the still-trying-to-get-used-to occupied schedule, the lukewarm coffee in the mug, the frozen prof on the zoom call, while trying to catch the last scrap of summer 2020. everything makes week 2 unique. there’s no second junior week 2 anymore, and i loved it.
sept. 15 12:30 am
i feel like i’m drained out. my friend messaged me that he has been on a 3hr sleep schedule for a while now. me here, working till midnight every day, having a less than 6hr sleep, i honestly don’t know where all my time went. and i kinda feel bad that i’m not sleeping little enough (yeah i know, some weird peer pressure). i knew from the beginning that this year is NOT meant to be easy, stay alive and keep working.
edit: google said 4 cups of brewed coffee is too much. okay.
“you can’t always keep your loved ones with you. you can’t always settle your life in one place. the world was made to change. but as long as you cherish the memories and make new ones along on the way, no matter where you are, you’ll always be at home.” – this is where it ends (why do i always quote so much lol)
sep. 18 friday
omg week 3 is FINALLY done, im crying. i still have two dues this weekend and some extra psets to get over with. (sorry lemme start over again, this beginning was too shitty.)
this week has been rough and too much caffeine consumption is giving me a high tolerance that red bull and espresso shots no longer work well. i cut naps from my life and i kinda miss them. running and exercising are the only sources for my everyday endorphins / dopamine / serotonin / noradrenaline intake. im grateful that i still have time for them.
edit: red bull doesn’t even have that much caffeine lol rip all that liquid in my stomach for doing nothing. “if you drink coffee or tea or monster energy or whatever for every single day of college, as a whole your energy and motivation will be a little bit elevated and your health will only be marginally decreased.” (not recommending doing it just personally i need to use “substances”)
every day seemed so long but days passed by so fast, be productive and yeah that’s it for the week.
sept. 20th sunday
some feelings are not good. they are something so hard to comprehend, like sick sentiments from inside out, slowly deteriorating and getting rotten like the apples you put in the fridge but without power for six months. it’s so hard that i just want to close my eyes and huddle myself up under a big warm comforter. the further i go, the more responsibilities and pressure i get and the more i’ll realize that there’s nothing i can do to go beyond that. i wish i could live without any restraints or just a person without those damn consciousness.
are “the responsibility” or “the role of being a person in this society” the ones bothering me? nope, i could totally live without them but
“the thought of dying has never bothered me, but getting hurt, losing blood, becoming crippled and the like—no thanks.” – no longer human
i guess im too apprehensive after all.
dying at 17 is much better than dying at 71. but im not going to form an argument to write about how it’s “better” here cuz “it’s not right to say that” as people will say. for real, for the next life, i want to be the wind, the sky, or just something intangible of nothingness.
edit: this is a very typical me, one side being like “i can do this” and the other is being like “im so done with my life.” im totally fine, i just think too much.
sept. 25th friday
things are getting better, or it’s just me getting more used to it.
edit (1:30 am): nope nope nope, i lied, still shit tons of stuff to get done lol. i mean why tho i didnt procrastinate or anything (or im prob doing it unconsciously lol), why i still cant keep up? is it just me or everyone else too? but i do need to hop onto my bed and go die now :))
the anxiety level has been high in the sky lately, very nice. I was awoken by the dream that i got kicked out of school by the committee THROUGH ZOOM. then i started to wake myself from the sleep every ten minutes to make sure that it was just a dream. i mean even though im cool with many things, but getting kicked out is not one of them.
weekend to-do:
☐ 250 quiz 2 (due on sunday)
☐ feedback (due on monday)
☐ phgy311 test 3 (due on monday)
☐ 301 prelab
☐ 359 paper
☐ study for bioc311 quiz 2
☐ 250 extra and presentation
junior year do be different, i feel like im living a final-week life lol. anyway, cheers to september, can’t wait for week 5 and october’s torturing hehe.
october looking forward to:
☞ moon cakes and the full moon 🥮
☞ cinnamony halloween 🎃
☞ maple leaves on mt. royal 🍁
☞ first snow (or november we never know) ❄️
☞ a clean diet with less doritos 🥗
☞ abs, im quitting doritos u better show up 😤
that’s it for sept, might be adding something to it later but idk.
thanks for reading 🙂
19til29 