It has been 19 years for me to be on the Earth now. It’s not that long but it’s kind of scary to think that I’ve already used 1/5 of my life if I can live up to 100 years old. But i guess it’s never too late to write something to myself, either to complain or to advise.
Goals: Since you’re not moving forward, you know by heart that it’s not a good sign. One of your friends asked you how you deal with peer pressure and self-doubt, and you answered: ”That’s not a big deal, just accept it because you are who you are.” Thinking back to the conversation again, that was actually the worst answer you could ever give, meaningless and full of lies. Do you still remember the night crying so hard in the corner and calling your friend back in China, claiming that you were suicidal, just because you messed up a midterm in summer school which was not even going into the transcript? You were 16 and that was the first time you had a mental breakdown because of the peer pressure. Now, when people ask you: “so u going into med eh?” and you would say: “yeah, but I’m just shooting the shot. Don’t have to get in, just to see if I’m lucky enough.” That’s where you start to give in and to leave yourself excuses for failures. The current world makes you so realistic and all those big dreams start to fade away and you start to accept the “fact.” But simply accepting is not making things any better, what you should do is, as a Stanford professor once told you: “Suck it up, this is not the end of the world. You either stay in this mellow state and be a loser or you stand up and fight back. You see where I am right now? A Stanford prof? I could never imagine this years ago.”
Friendships: The first time you witnessed a fake friendship was when you saw your roommate trying so hard to fit into her group but ended up hurting herself. You didn’t understand why she was doing all that to get into that one group particularly but you didn’t tell her that you all had the feeling that she was excluded from that group either. You felt bad for her when she was crying and you didn’t know how to comfort her so you asked:” do u wanna join our chinese gang? we could change to english for u u know.” That was another dumb suggestion you had made. When that happened to you later as your “best friend” really upset you, you finally realized that some bonding is not as strong as you think. Have to admit that there’re more and more fake friendships going on when people are turning older. Some people are just meant to only have fun with, they can’t handle the deeper version of you. When you’re weak and helpless, they’ll turn their back on you to avoid extra troubles from you. If you’re having some deep conversations, keep them to yourself because you’re the only one who can help.
Relationships: The previous one was such a perfect relationship that anyone could ever ask for even though you got hurt badly. That was the purest form of love, adoration, and mutual incentive, and your friends commented as “the goals.” People around you kept telling you that such a LDR would never work but you two made it work, at least for those two years. He shaped you and you worked hard for him by cramming 15+ classes in one year. That’s why you’re here right now, McGill, not UCL, class of 2022 instead of 2023. It did hurt when it ended but you need to be grateful for the memories and the lessons it had taught you. I mean everyone wants to love and be loved or simply just be cute together. It is okay to be single for over a year, just think about it if it could make you feel better that some people have been single throughout their life for 20 years. But the truth is that it’s just like friendships, rare and can be fragile. So be grateful and patient. I really think you should stop seeking for one before you become a better version of you. That special someone will come eventually just like Chenqi, came from nowhere and hit you hard.
Some final thoughts: Make better devisions about who you surround yourself with, what you read, and what you watch. Don’t just be an anyone, be the best among them. Learn from the failures, keep thinking optimistically and you’ll be tomorrow where your thoughts take you. If life gives you a lemon, ask for some salt and Tequila 🥃
19til29 